Adoption Awareness: Handling Adoption Questions and Comments 

“Why didn’t your real mom want you?” “They’re not real brothers, are they?” These questions can leave both adoptive children and parents feeling hurt, defensive, insecure, and even angry. This guide helps adoptive families respond to questions and comments respectfully, without necessarily sharing private information or personal feelings. When adoptive families have the tools to discuss adoption, they feel more confident handling those insensitive questions and remarks.

Awkward questions usually stem from ignorance rather than intentional ill-will, and this booklet  discourages the use of sarcastic or dismissive retorts - which can send the message that there is something upsetting about adoption. The author also presents sound arguments for families being proud of adoption, yet keeping personal details private. The guide offers several effective strategies that children and parents can use when faced with awkward adoption questions or remarks, including some approaches not found in other resources.

In addition, an outline offers the most comprehensive list of potential questions and comments available; each with several alternative responses. They range from questions that are relevant for all adoptive families to those applicable to special situations: transracial, single-parent, same-sex parent, older child, and grandparent adoptions. The booklet also examines situations where adoption comments are tied in with racism, sibling-rivalry, teasing and bullying, and Cyberbullying.

It is important to be proactive in starting a dialogue with children about this issue, because kids often face adoption questions when there is no adult present. Furthermore, a child may be hesitant to tell their mom or dad about an incident, fearing that it will upset the parent. Parents are advised to discuss this topic with their child, reinforcing that while adoption is not shameful or secret, each person’s adoption story is personal and it is his or her story to tell.

Parents can use review the concepts and examples in this guide and discuss those that are applicable to their family with their son or daughter. The child’s age and adoption story will influence which situations and responses parents choose to explore with them.

Included in this Guide:

I.Strategies to Deflect or Decline Answering Questions
     A. Gain More Time to Decide How to Respond B. Decline to Answer the Question
     C. Deflect the Question to an Adult
     D. Explain That the Questions or Comment is Hurtful

II. The Humorous Response - at Whose Expense?

III.Questions Asked of Children
     A. General Adoption Questions
     B. Looking Different - Transracial Adoption Questions
     C. Older Child, Single Parent, Same-sex Couple and Grandparent Adoption Questions
     D.Handling Adoption Myths and Misconceptions

IV. Questions Asked of Parents
     A. References to “Your Own Kids”, “Real Kids”,Etc.
     B. Questions About Birth Family History
     C. Questions Based on Misconceptions and Judgments

V. Additional Considerations
     A. Transracial Adoptive Families
     B. Sibling Rivalry and Hurtful Adoption Remarks
     C. Teasing and Bullying
     D. Cyberbullying

Excerpted with permission from:

Adoption Awareness: Handling Adoption Questions and Comments 

by Christine Mitchell 

With the number of adoptions increasing each year, more and more people are touched in some way by adoption. However, many individuals remain unfamiliar with how adoption works and with the more current, respectful adoption language that is preferred these days. Given the fact that adopted children often ask their parents about why their ‘real’ mom ‘gave them away’, or declare that the adoptive parents are not their ‘real’ parents, we should not really be surprised when people who are unfamiliar with adoption fall back on those phrases. If it is confusing to the people involved, it seems logical that it might be confusing to ‘outsiders’ as well.

USING THESE EXAMPLES AS A GUIDE

This resource includes an extensive list of potential questions and comments a child might encounter. Presenting every question and possible response would be overwhelming to a child.  However, parents can use the examples as a guide in discussing the issue with their son or daughter. The child’s age and adoption story will influence which situations and responses parents choose to explore with them. Additionally, some responses are clearly more appropriate for older children, while the simper ones may work better for young children.

A sample conversation starter: “You know, sometimes kids who were adopted are asked questions about adoption that make them feel uncomfortable (or sad). For example, some  kids get confused about what ‘real’ parents are, and don’t understand that ‘real’ parents are the ones that are raising you. If somebody asks if you know your ‘real’ parents, they actually mean your birth parents. Let’s talk about a couple of ways you could respond to that….”. The parent can then present options and also ask their child for her own ideas.

A. GENERAL ADOPTION QUESTIONS

1.   Why were you adopted?

• Maybe you can ask my parents about that.
• Lots of kids join their families through adoption.
• Because adoption is another way that families are formed (or built).
• Some kids are born into their family and some are adopted into their family.
• Some parents can’t take care of a child, so the child is adopted by parents who can.
• I understand that you’re curious, but that’s not something I want to discuss.